This is a really important essay, Hannah. I'm so sorry for all that you endured, and continue to endure. Your analogy is apt and illuminating. We - especially men - are like fish swimming in the large ocean of abuse, trauma, and internalized patriarchy. A fish doesn't know what wet is if it hasn't known anything else. We need to sit with stories like this until we can see it, feel it, and get it about what is going on all around us. And then take a stand.
Dr. Rediger - thank you for this. "A fish doesn't know what wet is if it hasn't known anything else" is exactly right. I'm grateful the essay found you and deeply grateful you took the time to respond. It means more than I can say, truly.
Having investigated child abuse and sexual assault as a profession, I’ve often interviewed adults who were the victims of child sexual abuse. Some reported the abuse as children. Some never did until I contacted them in my related case.
An important question I always asked the “late reporters” is why they waited until later to disclose. No, it wasn’t to shame them. It was very important for a jury to understand why victims held on to this for so long.
Common replies included:
“He said he would hurt me or my family if I told anyone.”
“I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”
“I was ashamed.”
“I thought people would say I wanted it.”
“I thought people would say I was gay (boys).”
“I told my mom/pastor/etc. but they said it would ruin our family or his family if we reported it to the police.”
“I did report it. But it was my word against his. He was a (businessman, teacher, powerful somebody) and I was a (nobody). Nothing happened. “
And yet, we somehow crush these victims who disclose their abuse 10, 20, 40 years later. We blame them when their abusers find other victims. Had that 6 or 17 year old been “brave” and reported what happened, the predator wouldn’t have found more prey. We’ve lost all empathy and hold them to a retroactive standard to which we wouldn’t hold our own children. Shame on you. Do better.
Justin, thank you for this. Every one of those answers is something I have felt or said or watched other women say. The retroactive standard you're describing is exactly what I've been trying to name. It means more than I can say to have someone with your experience confirm it.
This is a really important essay, Hannah. I'm so sorry for all that you endured, and continue to endure. Your analogy is apt and illuminating. We - especially men - are like fish swimming in the large ocean of abuse, trauma, and internalized patriarchy. A fish doesn't know what wet is if it hasn't known anything else. We need to sit with stories like this until we can see it, feel it, and get it about what is going on all around us. And then take a stand.
Dr. Rediger - thank you for this. "A fish doesn't know what wet is if it hasn't known anything else" is exactly right. I'm grateful the essay found you and deeply grateful you took the time to respond. It means more than I can say, truly.
Another excellent writing, Hannah.
Having investigated child abuse and sexual assault as a profession, I’ve often interviewed adults who were the victims of child sexual abuse. Some reported the abuse as children. Some never did until I contacted them in my related case.
An important question I always asked the “late reporters” is why they waited until later to disclose. No, it wasn’t to shame them. It was very important for a jury to understand why victims held on to this for so long.
Common replies included:
“He said he would hurt me or my family if I told anyone.”
“I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”
“I was ashamed.”
“I thought people would say I wanted it.”
“I thought people would say I was gay (boys).”
“I told my mom/pastor/etc. but they said it would ruin our family or his family if we reported it to the police.”
“I did report it. But it was my word against his. He was a (businessman, teacher, powerful somebody) and I was a (nobody). Nothing happened. “
And yet, we somehow crush these victims who disclose their abuse 10, 20, 40 years later. We blame them when their abusers find other victims. Had that 6 or 17 year old been “brave” and reported what happened, the predator wouldn’t have found more prey. We’ve lost all empathy and hold them to a retroactive standard to which we wouldn’t hold our own children. Shame on you. Do better.
Justin, thank you for this. Every one of those answers is something I have felt or said or watched other women say. The retroactive standard you're describing is exactly what I've been trying to name. It means more than I can say to have someone with your experience confirm it.